Objective Reattribution Theorem

Any object, once given to another person in the form of a non-obligatory gift (birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc.), immediately and indefinitely redefines the emotional significance of said object and it’s applicable meaning. To illustrate: say I gave my best friend, Theodore, a book. Theodore hasn’t heard anything about this book, it’s author, or the themes and content within it’s pages.  He reads it, enjoys it, tells me about it, and then he puts it down for a while and forgets about it. While this book entertained him for a short brief, when asked about the book by others, Theodore will speak not of the book’s death grip plot structure or relatable characters. He will speak, instead, of the kind friend who gave it to him as a token of nicety. Thus alternating the depth of definitions for Theodore. This places the most personal, and therefore most meaningful, definition first. To others this mere object is nothing more, or less, than a book. Just a book. But to Theodore this is an entity of our friendship and a reminder of what the friendship means to each of us. This is something a third party will know nothing about nor feel anything significant towards.

In positive correlation with heightened emotional meaning, it’s trade value skyrockets to a nearly treasured level. How many times have we been cleaning and come across a picture, a patch, an action figure, or an item of clothing given to us by a friend? Well, unless the object was given to you by someone you really don’t care about or you’re a cold-hearted barbarian, it’s a bit difficult to part with something that was given to you by someone else you truly love. Regardless if it’s no longer stylish, doesn’t fit, or was apart of the last two years where you were stuck in a fad you’re trying to forget. It still carries with it an unspoken bond of companionship and an obligation to cherish it accordingly.

Why is ORT (Objective Reattribution Theorem) important?

  • Rejection of 1-D Thinking: Instead of saying,“Yeah, it’s just an replica leather jacket the greasers wore in the Outsiders.” You’ll instead say,“Yeah, it’s just a replica leather jacket the greasers wore in the Outsiders that my friend Tom gave me. I should give him a call. I think the craft bazaar is in town this weekend.”
  • Think of Others: Let’s be honest with each other. We all spend most of the livelong day thinking about ourselves. What do we want to do today? Eat today? Think today? What does my future hold? What excuse am I going to give Aunt Becky later to tell her nicely that I’m not going to take her to the Wig Emporium? It’s healthy to have an excuse to think about other people every once in a while. Besides, thinking about you is all but conducive to a life of arrogance and closed-mindedness, but these are topics for a different day.
  • Giving Gifts: Once one truly comprehends ORT, one can decipher the unpolluted bliss involved in giving a gift to someone. Not only does it let your soul soar and your brain bubble, it also gives you that warm and tingly just-about-to-have-my-first-kiss feeling. Anyway you look at it, there’s a win involved. (It feels extra good when it’s an ‘out of the blue’ gift as opposed to one that’s expected like on birthdays)
  • Trash and Treasure: We’ve all heard the saying so I feel excused from repeating it but I’ll demonstrate this point with a short story. A boy whom I looked up to in school, he went by Chud, let me tag along with him and his cronies after school one day. Thinking that I, of all the mortals, was particularly blessed by invincibility that day, I was willing to do anything and everything these kids asked of me. So, while we were down at the railroad lobbing rocks at the passing by boxcars, Chud reached down to the tracks, resulting in a momentary shower of sparks and iron chips. I looked down to find that my hero held a 50-cent piece under the crushing weight of the train causing a slight bend in the middle (what I’d guess was around a 63 degree bend). This story happened when I was 7 years old. I still have that coin in my secret tin and I’ll be 23 next month.


There’s no denying that both rational and abstract advancements and discoveries will be made when my sociological associate Sr. Riley Hayes and I complete further testing. Natural phenomenon will be documented and shared as a from our sample of unknowing, but relevant, case studies. My associate and I reserve the right to alter this theorem over time as we see it based on the aforementioned findings.